people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This house was built for laser tag.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
