bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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