you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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