what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
