im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
