I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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