Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize