dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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