Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
