yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
