I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
