id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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