I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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