she was so not down for the gang bang
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I pour the whiskey from now on
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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