In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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