My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
They have beer where we have blood.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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