I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
