At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
