maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
