I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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