JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
