using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
