Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
