Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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