Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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