My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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