The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
don't judge my taste in strippers
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
