My liver just broke up with me...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize