Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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