Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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