he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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