My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
