so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Randomize
