I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
