just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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