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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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