I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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