He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
