he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
