Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
