did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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