if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
