I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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