I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
