you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
