you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
