On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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