she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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