I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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