In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize