this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize