I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
