I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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