Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize