im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
