So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
