it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
