I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
