if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
