Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
