dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
