i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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