My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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