I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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