Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I believe in your delicious
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
